‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ By Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga

A few days ago, I read a wonderful book, The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. It gave me an entirely new perspective on human behavior and interpersonal relationships.

The ideas in this book feel liberating—like shedding layers of old beliefs and emotional baggage. After reading it, you’ll likely find yourself more focused, smiling often, building new things, and feeling aligned with your life goals.

The book unfolds as a dialogue between a youth and a philosopher, exploring Adlerian psychology in a way that’s both practical and transformative.

You Can Change Right Now

We are not defined by our past. Trauma doesn’t dictate our future—it’s often a story we use to justify current choices. Change doesn’t require years of healing; it begins the moment we choose a new direction.

The philosopher explains that people often cling to their “traumas” because it gives them a reason not to change. But if we accept that our behavior is purposeful, then we also accept that we can choose a new purpose. And that means we can change—right now.

All Problems Are Relationship Problems

Most emotional struggles stem from how we relate to others. We often create problems to avoid connection. True freedom comes when we stop seeking recognition and start living for contribution.

The philosopher claims every psychological problem shows up in relationships. Inferiority feelings are normal, but the inferiority complex (or superiority complex) turns them into excuses— “I won’t try because I’m not talented,” or “I’m above these people.” For instance, a person blaming their boss or background for stagnation may be avoiding the discomfort of growth by clinging to these narratives.

The Courage to Be Disliked

Living for approval traps us in self-betrayal. When we embrace the possibility of being disliked, we begin to live authentically. It’s not rebellion—it’s self-respect.

Freedom begins when you stop meddling in tasks that aren’t yours and stop letting others dominate yours. Your task ends where your control ends; others’ feelings about you are their task. A parent who does a child’s homework, or a teacher who chases students’ motivation, crosses boundaries—better to support, not control, and let natural consequences teach.

 You Define Your Own Worth

Comparison is a trap. Your value isn’t measured against others—it’s chosen by you. When we stop competing, we start connecting.

Adler’s “community feeling” means living as equals who contribute, not compete. Praise and punishment manipulate from above; encouragement meets people as peers and recognizes effort, not status. Think of a manager who stops ranking team members and instead invites everyone to contribute their part—belonging grows when comparison fades and contribution matters.

 Happiness Lies in Contribution

The path to fulfillment isn’t self-centered ambition—it’s contribution. When we shift from “What do I want?” to “What can I give?”, life becomes meaningful and joyful.

Life isn’t a competition or a rehearsal; it’s a string of present moments. The courage to be happy includes the courage to be disliked—choosing what’s right over being universally approved. A student pursuing an unconventional career, or a professional setting healthy boundaries at work, accepts that some disapproval is the price of a meaningful, self-directed life.

This book isn’t just a psychological guide—it’s a mirror. It invites you to reflect, reset, and reclaim your freedom. The moment you choose courage over comfort, you begin to truly live.

I really enjoyed the book. The language is lucid and simple. It is in fact an eye-opener in the studies of psychological concepts. Especially parents and educators should read this book to understand children more deeply. Thanks, Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, for writing this one of the best books.